Yesterday we had a meeting with our provincial social worker. As mentioned in an earlier post, our home study for provincial (foster care) adoption has been approved. Our social worker just wanted to check in with us to make sure we were ok after our failed international adoption. Since we first started this process in 2011, we were always told by the province that we would likely have an international match long before we would have a local match, but we still held out hope. We've always been adamant that we would prefer to adopt a child locally who truly needs us, but so far it just hasn't been in the cards. I'm not sure why I thought last night's meeting would be different, but when I heard our social worker say, "it will likely be 2 to 3 more years before you get a match", I felt sad.
Today I had a bit of a down. I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so melancholic until I wrote out an email to Pierre and it all became clear. Each time we change direction, it gets harder to tell myself it's meant to be or there's a reason for this. I find myself becoming more and more cynical. Then I wrote down a list of all our detours in the last few years and I could finally see in black and white just why I was losing faith:
June 2011 - Getting pregnant is more challenging than we expected; "I guess we'll just need a little more time than most people. Maybe we should add our name to adoption lists... You know, for our second or third child, maybe"
November 2011 - Our doctor refers us to a fertility clinic; "it's just so we can get a little help to speed things up"
December 2012 - Diagnosed with infertility and IVF with ICSI is our only option. "Ok, we're just doing things a little differently than most people but I know it's going to work!"
April 2012 - first failed IVF "adoption is where it's at! I feel like our child is waiting for us in another country."
Mai 2012 - Attend information weekend on international adoption. " Woah! this international adoption thing is really overwhelming! I truly feel our child will be found locally... That child needs us more."
June 2012 - Attend provincial information session where they tell us the wait time is 4 to 5 years "ok, maybe our child isn't in the foster care system...We should look at IVF one more time... I don't want to have any regrets."
November 2012 - Second IVF fails and we learn about the Congo Adoption Program. "We can make a difference if we adopt a child from the Congo! THIS is what we are meant to do!!"
February 2013 - Canada threatens to put a "hold" on Congolese adoptions, we decide to switch to the USA Program. "I'm sad that we have to leave to Congo Program, but a USA adoption will be easier on us emotionally since there are less risks of it falling through"
March 2013 - We receive a call inviting us to do PRIDE training and begin our home study with the province. "You don't get an invitation until there are children available for you! This is it!"
Summer 2013 - There aren't actually any children available for adoption from foster care... The wait is still in years "I guess international adoption is what we're meant to do?"
August 2 - We get The Call "USA for sure!!!"
August 14 - Failed match "maybe this means there are children in the foster care system that need us more... This feels right"
September 10 - Meet with provincial social worker and the wait time is still long and unpredictable. At this time there are no kids for us. "I'm so confused"
I guess you can see why I'm wavering. Is it wrong to want to find meaning in life's challenges? I guess it doesn't really matter... The only thing that matters is one day we will hopefully be able to say, "this is OUR CHILD and he/she was worth the tears, worth the challenges and so worth the wait. "
Today I had a bit of a down. I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so melancholic until I wrote out an email to Pierre and it all became clear. Each time we change direction, it gets harder to tell myself it's meant to be or there's a reason for this. I find myself becoming more and more cynical. Then I wrote down a list of all our detours in the last few years and I could finally see in black and white just why I was losing faith:
June 2011 - Getting pregnant is more challenging than we expected; "I guess we'll just need a little more time than most people. Maybe we should add our name to adoption lists... You know, for our second or third child, maybe"
November 2011 - Our doctor refers us to a fertility clinic; "it's just so we can get a little help to speed things up"
December 2012 - Diagnosed with infertility and IVF with ICSI is our only option. "Ok, we're just doing things a little differently than most people but I know it's going to work!"
April 2012 - first failed IVF "adoption is where it's at! I feel like our child is waiting for us in another country."
Mai 2012 - Attend information weekend on international adoption. " Woah! this international adoption thing is really overwhelming! I truly feel our child will be found locally... That child needs us more."
June 2012 - Attend provincial information session where they tell us the wait time is 4 to 5 years "ok, maybe our child isn't in the foster care system...We should look at IVF one more time... I don't want to have any regrets."
November 2012 - Second IVF fails and we learn about the Congo Adoption Program. "We can make a difference if we adopt a child from the Congo! THIS is what we are meant to do!!"
February 2013 - Canada threatens to put a "hold" on Congolese adoptions, we decide to switch to the USA Program. "I'm sad that we have to leave to Congo Program, but a USA adoption will be easier on us emotionally since there are less risks of it falling through"
March 2013 - We receive a call inviting us to do PRIDE training and begin our home study with the province. "You don't get an invitation until there are children available for you! This is it!"
Summer 2013 - There aren't actually any children available for adoption from foster care... The wait is still in years "I guess international adoption is what we're meant to do?"
August 2 - We get The Call "USA for sure!!!"
August 14 - Failed match "maybe this means there are children in the foster care system that need us more... This feels right"
September 10 - Meet with provincial social worker and the wait time is still long and unpredictable. At this time there are no kids for us. "I'm so confused"
I guess you can see why I'm wavering. Is it wrong to want to find meaning in life's challenges? I guess it doesn't really matter... The only thing that matters is one day we will hopefully be able to say, "this is OUR CHILD and he/she was worth the tears, worth the challenges and so worth the wait. "