Earlier this week I had a meltdown of epic proportion that would impress any reality star. The tears where brought on by my attempt to write a letter to my union/employer. You see, as an adoptive parent, I am not entitled to take 17 weeks of paid maternity leave available to all other Canadian birth mothers. I am, however, entitled to the 35 weeks of parental leave, which is available to all new parents (mothers and fathers). Many new moms in Canada take a year leave from work when they have a child, which includes 2 weeks of medical leave, 17 weeks maternity leave and 35 weeks of parental leave. This is governed federally and adoptive families have been trying to fight this since 1995, so I don’t have much of a chance at that one. I know I won’t get a year leave like other moms, that’s not what my letter was about. The point I was arguing is that, as a registered nurse, my union has negotiated top-up to be paid during maternity leave. However, since I don’t qualify for maternity leave, I don’t qualify for top-up either. This is both enraging and so very frustrating. Honestly, it makes me feel like less of a mother. I’ve been trying to write this letter for a few weeks now and every time I attempt to do so I get so mad I practically give myself an anxiety attack! Ugh.
Well, last Monday my letter writing campaign came to head and, as mentioned earlier, I had an epic meltdown. My poor husband couldn’t do much except stroke my hair and say “it’s ok, it’s ok” while I ugly cried against his chest. After I was able to catch my breath again, my always insightful husband asked if this was really just about the letter. I responded by enumerating all my frustrations with the adoption process: only being able to adopt francophone children (which are few and far between) from the provincial foster care system (even though we are clearly bilingual), not having adoption agencies in our province to facilitate private adoption, not being able to adopt from the foster care system in another province, feeling like international adoption is our only option for a family, the excruciating cost of international adoption, the constant roadblocks put up by paper pushers, the limited amount countries currently open to adoption, having to change countries, the ease at which everyone around us get pregnant, having to prove we could be good parents while biological parents don’t, the media for portraying adoption as an “easy solution”, feeling like a failure for not being able to get pregnant, unfair treatment in terms of parental leave, uncomfortable moments when people ask when we’ll have kids, people not knowing what to say to me when I talk about adoption, coming to terms with the fact we will never have the big family we had hoped for. AHHHHHHH!
My husband took a deep breath and said, “Of course you’re going to be overwhelmed if you only look at the negative things!” And he was right. I need to start focusing on all the positives of adoption, if I expect to get through this. So we came up with the following:
Well, last Monday my letter writing campaign came to head and, as mentioned earlier, I had an epic meltdown. My poor husband couldn’t do much except stroke my hair and say “it’s ok, it’s ok” while I ugly cried against his chest. After I was able to catch my breath again, my always insightful husband asked if this was really just about the letter. I responded by enumerating all my frustrations with the adoption process: only being able to adopt francophone children (which are few and far between) from the provincial foster care system (even though we are clearly bilingual), not having adoption agencies in our province to facilitate private adoption, not being able to adopt from the foster care system in another province, feeling like international adoption is our only option for a family, the excruciating cost of international adoption, the constant roadblocks put up by paper pushers, the limited amount countries currently open to adoption, having to change countries, the ease at which everyone around us get pregnant, having to prove we could be good parents while biological parents don’t, the media for portraying adoption as an “easy solution”, feeling like a failure for not being able to get pregnant, unfair treatment in terms of parental leave, uncomfortable moments when people ask when we’ll have kids, people not knowing what to say to me when I talk about adoption, coming to terms with the fact we will never have the big family we had hoped for. AHHHHHHH!
My husband took a deep breath and said, “Of course you’re going to be overwhelmed if you only look at the negative things!” And he was right. I need to start focusing on all the positives of adoption, if I expect to get through this. So we came up with the following:
Top 5 Reasons Adoption Rocks!
5. No weight gain or stretch marks (although since I’m a stress eater, this one might not apply. lol)
4. No need for an epidural!
3. The amazing moment when we get our child, knowing all we went through to get there
2. Giving a child a chance at a life he/she might not have had
1. We are not a cookie-cutter couple so why should we have a cookie-cutter family. Adoption just seems to fit us
The last one is my favourite and it’s what Pierre said to me after the meltdown was over. That simple thought made me smile from the inside out. We aren’t a cookie-cutter family. We met in our mid-thirties while most people meet in their twenties, we both chose our current career when we were more mature, we live in a little 60 year old house that has lots of personality but no two-car garage, we both pride ourselves on taking the road less traveled and have always done things our way as opposed to the way society expects us to do it. So yeah, we aren’t a cookie-cutter couple and we won’t have a cookie-cutter family but we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
5. No weight gain or stretch marks (although since I’m a stress eater, this one might not apply. lol)
4. No need for an epidural!
3. The amazing moment when we get our child, knowing all we went through to get there
2. Giving a child a chance at a life he/she might not have had
1. We are not a cookie-cutter couple so why should we have a cookie-cutter family. Adoption just seems to fit us
The last one is my favourite and it’s what Pierre said to me after the meltdown was over. That simple thought made me smile from the inside out. We aren’t a cookie-cutter family. We met in our mid-thirties while most people meet in their twenties, we both chose our current career when we were more mature, we live in a little 60 year old house that has lots of personality but no two-car garage, we both pride ourselves on taking the road less traveled and have always done things our way as opposed to the way society expects us to do it. So yeah, we aren’t a cookie-cutter couple and we won’t have a cookie-cutter family but we are exactly where we are supposed to be.